Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Path With Heart

An Image Taken from the Internet
Artist Unknown - My Apologies

Today I feel lack of energy to create. Or at least at this moment. So I have taken an image from the Internet that speaks to my emotional state right now. In writing class, one of the exercises we do is to take a photo or magazine image and write about it. Sometimes, the visual helps to stir the writing muse hidden within.

I find myself longing to connect to that child within, that happy, playful imp that wants to explore and have fun. The little child above seems to be holding a lantern, nestled in a land of flowers. Perhaps she is searching for something, anything. Perhaps she is content to be where she is, and needs the lantern to explore the more hidden realms of life. The sun is shining brightly ahead of her and soon she may place the lantern down and be guided by the rays shining down on her. I can fill in the blanks as I see fit, making a story that resonates with my inner self. Although the little girl above is walking through the flowers, I recall memories of myself lying in a forest preserve, with flowers and prairie shrubs dancing in the wind just above me. Those were times of extreme bliss for me, where the world and its hooks seemed to melt away. I am a nature creature, and always have been, and I embrace that now.

I so want to believe in my creative self, for with that comes a spiritual enlightenment and contentment that makes me feel invincible. But as the bills continue to pile up, I feel some fear. I have done more art fairs this year than ever before, but it is still not enough for me to survive! Ah, that word survive. As I write these last two sentences, I feel a stirring from within, and my inner child starts to protest and shrink. I cannot allow this to happen. I just finished an art fair on Sunday and will be in another one the following weekend. Yet, my spirit feels tired. To have to "force" myself to make more prints and come up with new art can be challenging to me. Yet, the alternative is to work outside the creative realm of possibilities. Yes, I am limiting myself. Why can I not find a photography job or work in an art shop or something? It is not enough, really. The wages are not enough. So I continue to stew and mull and not take action, in limbo land. I do play the lottery, visualize winning, and building a spiritual/artistic center out in the Southwest somewhere. Where like minds can meet, gather, and be inspired. I also pray for a benefactor or mentor recognizing me, guiding me, encouraging me. I do believe in visualization and every day send images like this out into the world, with intent, lots of strong intent.

All is not gloom and doom, however. I went to a new friend's house and took some photos of her parrots. She has a macaw named Waldo, an incredibly gorgeous creature. He and all the other birds are amazing in their colors, each so diversified. Perhaps I can get some creative inspiration from them. Perhaps not. I feel the possibilities there, but the darker mood seems stronger. I don't want to dwell too much on my present state but feel it is a necessary place to be. To process the feelings coming up and then let them go! Let Them Go!

It's a little too chilly to lie down on the forest floor today. Although I long to escape for awhile into nature's embrace. I shall keep my lantern lit, and maybe find some answers within my heart today. My inner child is afraid of the dark, and I don't want her to get lost. Staying true to a path with heart can be fraught with detours. But the flowers will show me the way and the weeds of negativity will not detract.


Suz said...

What would it take to be enough?

butterfly woman said...

That is a very good question, Suz.
I don't have the answer at this moment, but maybe I need to sit down and not be so vague about the "enough". Time to write some more and get some insight!

Just writing about the fear here, though, feels somewhat releasing. Facing it, writing it seems to dissolve it a bit. Hiding it within, it lingers!

Suz said...

There is a glorious sweetness about you Bev. Don't let want rule your heart or drive your creative energy. They are not related. Earning money is one thing. Creating is another.
Don't forget we need to get together and go shooting wild shots of imagination...you could show me.

Elena said...

Your creative spirit is what draws me to your work. I know you need the funds but don't change your style for increased sales. Your work is fresh in fairs which often tend to have booths of work that look alike. I like your dream of the artistic/spiritual center. It's funny...I've been thinking along the same lines. Have you ever been to the Enlightened Healing Center in Orland Park?

Doris said...

I want to lay down on the forest floor! The smells... the view... the sounds... I am there!

Laura said...

Hi Bev, I read your post this morning which I don't always get a chance to read... What I would like to share is this... the need to create is very strong in alot of us and the need to have income is a fact. I look at it like this, I like to be my own boss, though like every other job out there we have our moments of dought and doubt. it's life it's not a fairy land out there we are (artist) blessed to be able to share our passion but reality is we still need to put the work time in and I personal don't like that part but if I want to share the passion then I've got to do the work. I hear you in having to push yourself to prepare more prints and work.. but you are blessed that you can do and I know you now that I just wanted to share with you that I've got them same feelings too not always but sometimes. Just like on a job outside the home there are good days on the job and there are not so good days but we show up and do the work and know that it shall pass and the cycle of renew will come to us again... roll with the punches and see what happens... some how or another I seem to crab about things like this and then I ask for spiritual help and I'm given the artist vitamin called Inspiration and off I go again in the passion side of the job.