Thursday, September 10, 2009

Belonging Yet Alone

"Belonging yet Alone"
Digital Art Collage
Watercolor, acrylics, photographs,
torn papers and some digital painting

Some days I feel alone. I so want to belong and sometimes when I try, I do not fit anymore. Especially when I seek refuge in old ways, old habits that seem safe and familiar, yet have an eerie strangeness that makes me feel queasy. Change is necessary, but the anxiety that accompanies it is unwelcome terrain. I feel like a square peg in a round hole, forcing myself to be happy, which ultimately brings resistance. I crave and relish my uniqueness, but it is often an isolated, lonely path. I encourage others, but at the risk of either neglecting myself or not heeding my own advice. My moods lately have been extremely high and low. I suppose I am not numbing myself anymore or losing myself behind my glasses of denial. They say to get to the gold within ourselves, we must feel the pain. I suppose......yet, it can be rocky terrain I walk over and dark caverns I grope through. I had a strange dream last night with my father in it. I have never dreamed about my father, but this particular dream had frightening aspects to it that still lingers as today moves on. The past has been reawakened and I wish I could put it back to sleep. I am thankful for spending time working on the above collage, for it helps alleviate some of the demons within, but then again, it aggravates them as well.

The image reflects various aspects of me, I am sure of it. The spiritual side, the darker shadow side, the flower representing hope and new blooms within. Above the more shadowy figure is a photo I took of an architectural piece designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. It was taken through a window. It sinks down into the figure, offering some sanctuary and respite. Both figures are brooding, not meditating, but brooding. Sometimes that brooding sinks me down. The words "Love may be grand" that cross the figure are elusive at times, love may be grand and then again it is fleeting and slips through my fingers. Today is a strange day for me as a multitude of emotions move in and out. I am participating in an art fair this Sunday and know that my emotions increase tenfold when these events loom on the horizon. Though there seems to be more, an underlying nameless feeling that lies waiting to pounce. I hope making this collage will release some of what is churning within. Usually this works, but there is some deep residue to muck through.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day. And I pray my dreams tonight offer some peace. Thanks for letting me share here. It's a good release.


Elena said...

Oh my goodness! Do you know how eerie it is to read your post because it was like reading my own thoughts. I had started another post similar to this on my blog that I've yet to post. It's what triggered the Emotional post on the Artist Way blog. It seems that the more you open yourself to artistic endeavors the more "stuff" you have to deal with that had been bottled away inside. Sending you a much needed hug and letting you know I like your healing piece.

Suz said...

Once the awakening of your true being happens, you must honor it. You are being called, by you, to change your life. Changing your life is very difficult,that's why very few people are able to do it. Do not be afraid. I suspect that it's not the connecting to other people that is the problem..people like you very much,it's your connecting to the new awakening you that is scary. It takes you out of your comfort zone. Even if that comfort zone is a place of detachment and is a place you have dwelt in for not be are a beautiful butterfly..
offered lovingly by Soaring Hawk
p.s. your artwork is beautiful too!

Carol Anne Strange said...

Your post resonates so much, you bright being. I know those highs and lows too and also the sense of belonging and yet being alone. I feel that you're deeply intuitive and this is expressed through your work. Your latest piece is quite stunning and full of energy. Wonderful! At these times, feel your way through and trust in your inner guidance. All is well! All is well! Much love xx

butterfly woman said...

We are synchronistic sisters! Reading honest posts from others wherever they are seems to pull into my own inner landscape. I enjoy so your ponderings at AW. You voice what I often quietly question. It seems the more authentic I am with my art, the more authentic my feelings are as well.
Thank you for the encouragement. To feel that I am okay where I am is affirming. I do love the people around me, it's just discovering myself takes so much time and energy. I'm a work in process!
Your words give me peace when turbulent waters churn.
If I kept everything inside and never wrote here, I would never realize how similar others are on the creative path. I guess what is happening lately is that I am being very true to my creative heart and the ripple effect of emotions is "clobbering" me. It's wierd how I think I am creating peaceful art but yet, volcanoes are spewing lava.
Your support is always welcome in my life. Thank you.