Sunday, December 13, 2009

Forest Smoke Teaches Me

"Forest Smoke"
Digital Photo

In the image above, campfire smoke arises into the woods, and like a blanket of grey-blue snow it covers the land below it. Today I shall replace the smoke with fog, as fog seems to be a more appropriate word to describe my state of being the last few days.

I keep thinking I've come out of my fog, awakening from my self-induced slumber. A slumber that can now be put aside. Long ago used as a protective device, I do not see the need anymore. I am safer now, at least comparatively speaking. And shouldn't all my feelings and emotions subsequently be joyful, peaceful, tranquil, zen-like? Not quite. In a perfect world, maybe. The feelings that keep moving up through me are wicked, deep, old, old festering wounds. Sometimes I cannot physically breathe as a result. Yes, the emotions are strong, wrecking havoc both within and without.
The tree branches are fingers of old patterns, wanting to hold onto and wallow in these feelings, not allowing them escape. They want me to go to sleep. It is tempting, I must say! The price? Staying stuck with little movement and more charades. With the mask being pulled on a little tighter. And slowly dying to my heart and soul. Why would I choose this path? Because I have become used to it? I suppose. But a louder voice within says "No longer will I settle. I shall begin again. A few words I have borrowed from my friend Suz's vocabulary and that seem to fit me at this moment. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
In the grasps of nature, the fog lingers, but then leaves, evaporating into the air. Everything is temporary, nothing is for sure. I can take lessons from this and allow my emotions to take their last gasp, thus freed, outside of my inner being.

The sun will rise and set in glorious colors within me, and the fog will share its grayness, I don't deny that. I can only trust and hope that what follows will joyfully sustain me!

Love and light to all!


Suz said...

Oh Bev, begin again indeed...every single time we fail or seem to let ourselves down...we need to have the spirit of Anne of Green Gables.."Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes"
What an example of begin again
that gal was...and us too
we are not quitters,we never fail actually because we begin again
big hug!

Elena said...

First of all, beautiful picture. Secondly, I wonder what it is about this time of year that has a way of opening doors to the past. Things reach out with dirty tentacles to pull us back in. But they can't. They're gone. Just like we can't grasp the fog; they have no substance. I don't see a problem letting out those feelings into your work. But don't let them take control of you. Create, walk, scream, write...whatever it takes to break their spell over you. Keep moving forward; move beyond the familiar, the comfort zone. All it takes is a little step. And please do go to lunch with the artists.

Doris said...

Sometimes when I walk I practice deep breathing and when panic rears it's ugly head, a return to deep breathing is automatic. Holidays always remind us of losses. Of incomplete intentions. And fears of what is ahead. A trip with Scrooge might settle the fog. Christmas blessings for you!